I'm at that point where my brain is starting to hurt, it's so full of crap.
I'm freaking out about my wedding. Which is only 80 days away, people! I, honestly, have no idea what I'm doing. What I should be doing, even. I need a practice wedding just so I can make sure that my REAL wedding comes out right.
I'm obsessing a bit, I know. But I want it to be a nice wedding (not perfect, since that isn't possible). I want it to be elegant, and, slowly but surely, it's disintegrating into a big redneck mess. It's because I'm trying to make everyone happy and I'm sacrificing a lot of what I REALLY want due to finances and circumstances and such. That's life.
My problem is, my expectations are getting higher and higher, but at the same time my confidence that the wedding will actually be what I want is getting lower and lower. So, I've been depressed and a little bit bitchy, which I hate and I constantly berate myself about...and that just makes me feel worse. So I'm spiraling out of control. Ack. I think I'm becoming a pouty bridezilla, which I HATE. But I'm just so frustrated because everything that should have happened or been taken care of HASN'T been. People who begged me, "Let me take care of this for you," are not following through on their promises. Is it my right to be miffed at these people, even when I love them and appreciate them for wanting to help in the first place? Should I continue to keep my mouth shut and cross my fingers that they will EVENTUALLY do what they are supposed to do or give them an ultimatum? I feel awful for even having to think about it.
And I'm disappointed. I agreed to get married at my parents' house in the condition that the yard was kept up and filled with flowers (like my mother swore it would be) and everything that's lying around the yard (broken doors, buckets, dogs, miscellaneous crap) be cleaned up. My mom keeps talking about all this stuff we have to do but won't actually give me a time to do it. So things keep getting put off.
It's going to be up to me. That's how it always is. This weekend, I'm going over there (dragging my fiance, too) and we are going to get that yard up to shape. We're going to get things ordered. No more waiting. No more hoping that things are going to come together some day. I'm going to have to make this happen.
So, all of this stress has been pushing on my brain and I haven't been able to write worth a flying flip. That irritates me, because I want to finish ELVES within the next few months. (Hopefully by October.) And stress also makes me over-critical of myself, so I'm hating my writing again. (Yay.) But (BIG BREATH) I'm going to make all this happen. I'm going to get things done so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
What's funny (if a bit irritating) is that people keep asking me if I'm sure I want to get married. YES, I want to get married, but I don't know if I want all this extra ceremony crap. (I actually never wanted a big wedding. I wanted a small, intimate wedding and that got blown out of the water.) But, I know that if I don't go through with it, one day I'll regret not having that big ceremony. So, I'm going to grin and bear it. It can only get smoother from here, right?
I can't believe you're actually going to be married soon. I hope that ppl start to follow through and you get to start enjoying the feeling rather than fretting over stupid things. That sucks. But hey--Mrs. Brandi ????
ReplyDeleteAre you changing the nom de plume?
Breathe.
ReplyDeleteJust breathe.
Control what you can.
Breathe.
I don't think I'd care for a big wedding, but who knows. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. :)
ReplyDeleteJoe and I made it very clear from the time of our engagement that we were the ones making the decisions, and if anyone had a problem with it, tough.
ReplyDeleteIt worked. Sometimes you have to be selfish.
What everyone else has said.
ReplyDeleteAnd big hugs. Weddings are stressful in any case. All I can suggest is give your volunteers a deadline. Say, "If task isn't done by ____, I'm going to take care of it myself or find someone else to do it." Timelines are crucial. And they aren't understanding that. You aren't being b**** for insisting that those tasks get done soon. It's your day. They may be volunteers, but they took on the duty. It's a job. Just be clear and upfront with what you expect and when you need things done. Some feelings might be hurt in the short term, but I think you'll be less stressed.