I Think I'm Broken

I've felt a little shifty lately (and, no, that's not a misspelling), and just can't focus. I wrote another short story, felt good about it, sent if off into submission-land, moved on. Poked and prodded at other projects, which just sort of twitched but wouldn't perform. Then I started scratching at rewrites and edits and got a little excited when they rolled over or begged, but the appeal quickly fled.

So, to sum it up to those of you who haven't given up on me after my long silences, I think I'm broken.

Granted, life has been BUSY and full of other things to focus on. I've been training to run a 5K and, yes, it's been emotionally, mentally and physically challenging. When I'm not actually training, I'm reading about training and shoes and run times and PRs (still have no clue what that stands for; practice runs?) and drooling over running gear that I could never justify buying ($40 for a pair of shorts? Haha). And all this fanaticism has just about drowned out that voice that tells me that it's about time I started writing again.

I feel distanced from my critique friends. I feel like I've missed too much and now I can't possibly catch up. I feel a little left in their dust, honestly. And while I am happy for the varied successes, I'm a bit overwhelmed. Just a few months ago, that was ME chattering about my latest WIP, characters, plots, offering critiques like they were going out of style. And then--I'll admit it--I received a lot of flack about some of my stories (not just in one critique group, either) and sort of got discouraged.

There, I said it. I am discouraged. And when I am discouraged it's difficult for me to be excited about a project, which means it's difficult for me to write it. If I lack faith in a story, it shows in the writing. So why bother?

So I briefly focused on other things. Things that had yet to be touched by that discouragement because, well, they were my "secret" stories. The ones that were too "mature" for my critique groups. While writing them, I regained some of that faith and confidence in myself. I thought that even if I couldn't write the traditional fantasy stories that I wanted, I could at least write about sex. (And I can do it pretty well, if I do say so myself.) But as much as I enjoy writing my naughty stories, they're not what really calls to me.

Honestly, it's like that Langston Hughes poem, "A Dream Deferred." I keep waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen that rekindles that dream. But maybe it's too shriveled up at this point.

It's not like I haven't tried. I HAVE. I've even posted new strictly fantasy stories up for critique and received encouraging reviews, but that spark is still gone. I don't know how to get it back.

My 5K is April 16. After that I'm going to really dig in and focus on my writing. This dream may deferred, but I'm not giving up on it.

Is There An Echo in Here?

Oops. I realize I've been absent from the blogosphere recently. Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't. I almost didn't notice because I've been so busy.

I complete a short story and sent it off for possible publication.

I started and then stopped and then restarted A Darkness Forged in Fire. I like it, despite not devouring it like I normally do with books that I like. I think I'm a bit burnt out.

But the real reason I've been absent is because it's SPRING. It's, like, warm outside. It's pretty. There are FLOWERS! And I can go outside barefoot again! And start a garden! And SQUEE!

So, sorry for my absence, but I just need more SUNSHINE!

Book Review: Wintergirls

Laurie Halse Anderson tackles another tough topic in Wintergirls: Anorexia. But, as if that wasn't enough, she adds self-mutilation to the mix.

According to the book's blurb:

Lia and Cassie were best friends, wintergirls frozen in matchstick bodies. But now Cassie is dead. Lia's mother is busy saving other people's lives. Her father is away on business. Her step-mother is clueless. And the voice inside Lia's head keeps telling her to remain in control, stay strong, lose more, weigh less. If she keeps on going this way—thin, thinner, thinnest—maybe she'll disappear altogether. 

I went into this book expecting to be disturbed, but never so poetically. If the image of anorexia and Lia's life doesn't stick with you, how the author paints it will. I haven't been so powerfully moved by the tragic beauty of a book since reading The Sky is Everywhere. While I enjoyed Anderson's Speak, Wintergirls rocked the foundations of my world. If I had to describe it in a word it would be: unsettling.

I've never suffered from an eating disorder, but I think that at some point in our lives, every girl considers it. We all feel that pressure to conform the stereotypical image of beauty, and hope that by being thin it might give us an ounce of self-worth. It's that very relatable aspect of this story that makes it so potent.

Yet Wintergirls goes a step further and shows the glittering, bloody edges of what happens when a girl goes too far for her perfect body.

But Anderson does it perfectly. We see everything from Lia's perspective and never through the author's lens. We see how RIGHT it is for Lia to do what she is doing, all the while recoiling because we know it's wrong. Lia is one of those girls whom you like despite what she's doing to herself. She's endearing. She tries so hard, but can't help but feel out of control. Her only way to have control is to starve and cut herself.

This book will make you wince, cry, shudder. But you won't be able to stop reading. And even when you're through, you won't be able to stop thinking about it.

Recommended: Absolutely.
Rating (out of five stars): 5 -- A perfect book, in my opinion.

Book Review: The Iron King

Have you ever read one of those books that you never want to end, it's so good? The Iron King by Julie Kagawa was like that for me. I literally could not put it down. Every scene made me shiver with delight. I devoured this book and enjoyed it so much that I immediately put it on my TO BUY list.

According to the book's blurb:

Meghan Chase has a secret destiny—one she could never have imagined…

Something has always felt slightly off in Meghan's life, ever since her father disappeared before her eyes when she was six. She has never quite fit in at school…or at home.

When a dark stranger begins watching her from afar, and her prankster best friend becomes strangely protective of her, Meghan senses that everything she's known is about to change.

But she could never have guessed the truth—that she is the daughter of a mythical faery king and is a pawn in a deadly war. Now Meghan will learn just how far she'll go to save someone she cares about, to stop a mysterious evil no faery creature dare face…and to find love with a young prince who might rather see her dead than let her touch his icy heart.

Now, there are quite a few YA Paranormals out there involving faeries. Wicked Lovely and Paranormalcy come to mind. And while I enjoyed their different take on faeries for different reasons, neither one made my toes curl or make me exclaim, "YES, this is EXACTLY what faeries should be like!" And not just the faeries themselves, but their world. Kagawa's faerie realm has the same dark magic as Anne Bishop's dreamscapes in Sebastian or Belladonna (both highly recommended books). It's like entering a place that you've never been before, but some part of you is able to recognize it. Places where good and evil aren't so easily distinguished, and it's so beautifully wrought that you feel disappointed when you come back to the real world. In a couple words: deliciously dark.

My favorite character was, of course, Robbie. I have a soft spot for tricksters and goofballs, but Kagawa crafts him perfectly, showing glimpses of more than just a carefree "friend." And all the other characters, even the minor ones, hold endless surprises.

Awesome setting and great characters make this book darn near perfect. Highly recommended!

Gah, I have to go buy all these books now!

Rating (out of five stars): 5!