Do you like my 69?

Buahaha. Yes, I have a dirty mind. That's probably a given seeing as my first published work will be erotica. (More on that later.)

Anyway, over at The Sharp Angle, Lydia was discussing the idea that you should buy a novel based on its page 69. That should reveal the heart of the novel's style and situation. Well, she said it better than I ever could, so go check it out.

However, I had to see if my page 69 had any merit. So I thought I'd share and get your opinions. Are they interesting? Would you "buy" it?

Here's Page 69 from LAST OF THE ELVES, my WIP:

“Yes, I know just how busy you’ve been. But tell me, boy, has it done any good?”

“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. “There was this one—a girl—who I thought would be different. But…” He squeezed her hand. “She’s like all the others.”

She studied him, her hazel eyes—his father’s eyes—seeing more than he would like. But that had always been her gift. A witch by birth, she harnessed the powers of light, truth and beauty, and could always see through the darkness. “She’s special to you.”

“No.” He shook his head. “No.”

Ollie laughed. “Oh, Lial. You were never a good liar. You take after your father’s side of the family too much.” She released his hand and reached for a box beneath the counter. Constructed of polished wood, it did not appear to need the intricate lock clasping the lid. Ollie withdrew a key from her blouse and opened it.

“Hold out your hand,” she said. He did and she placed something smooth and warm in his palm. She curled his fingers around it. “This was your mother’s. She wanted you to have it. For your special woman, she said.”

“I don’t—“

“Shh. Just take it. I’m afraid if I don’t give it to you now, I never will.”

His hand clenched. “Auntie…”

She laughed. “Don’t be sad. I am the fortunate one, Lial. I’m nearly a century old, ancient for a human. It shall be like going to bed after a long, hard day.”

“You’re only ten years older than me.”

“But you’re not human.”

His mouth thinned. “No need to remind me.”

And here's page 69 from DRAGON QUEEN, which I will be querying for soon:

“You’re right, of course,” he interrupted. “We’ll have a feast once she establishes her seat.”

“My seat? I’m going to have a seat?” I squeaked.

“Of course,” the female replied, smiling her gentle smile again. It was such a contrast to her fearsome features that it unsettled more than soothed me.

“Every ruler has a seat,” the male said.

“But . . .I don’t even know how to rule.” Panic crept in again, scratching at my voice and pulling me toward hysteria. I focused on breathing, trying to regain control.

Amusement lit his black eyes. “Do not worry, my Queen, we shall teach you all that you need to know.”

“And what am I supposed to bring to this?”

“Your self,” he answered. “That is greater than any weapon.”

His answer did not stifle my panic, but fed it. It was a bloated thing now, lodging in my throat until I could barely breathe.

His mate must have sensed this, for she abruptly said, “My name is Vahra. This is my consort, Kale. We are the leaders of the Council. The leaders of the Nerolytes.”

“The Nerolytes?”

“It means, “Against the dark.” It is what the Kelsten Skala call us.”

“So the Kelsten Skala are the prominent power?”

She shrugged. “They would claim that, yes. But the Council is an ancient dragon tradition. We have been here far longer than the Kelsten Skala, and we still hold power. Despite being forced to meet in secret for some centuries now.”

What I've Been Up To Regarding Writing

Hi, all,
     
For once I'm not here to complain about what's happening in the world beyond internet, writing and reading. (I'm actually trying to pretend it doesn't exist.) I'm here to tell you what I've been up to in my writing...and some interesting things I discovered about my characters/worlds/stories.
     
I read Lydia Sharp's post on grabbing your reader's attention with the first paragraph and was like, hmm, let's go back and look at my novel's first paragraph, shall we? (I limited myself to DRAGON QUEEN for those of you about to send me viral emails with the subject line: Stop messing with FURY already!) I've been dabbling with DQ's opening for a little while now. I rewrote it, but didn't really like it as much as I thought. So, yesterday, I pulled up a blank page, stared at the cursor for a moment, and began writing.


On my other critique forum, I received the critique that there was nothing happening (as in, nothing grabbing) in the first chapter because it was mostly set up. And while that irritated me a little bit, I was okay with it being just a setup chapter. But there were also some people who just didn't get Jade's personality. Her motivations were a bit blurry in their eyes and they even (gasp) thought she was a spoiled brat. There were also a few who expressed concern over Jade's age (16). So I thought, hmm, how can I fix that and yet remain true to the story?

This was my original opening:

The pink light of dawn filtered through my closed lids; the day I dreaded had arrived. Today was the sixteenth anniversary of my birth. I was, officially, a woman. That thought, and the gradual lightening of the forest, dragged my eyelids open. Groaning, I sat up. My back was stiff from lying on the rock for so many hours, spoiled as it was to my lush, feather mattress. But my aching muscles felt good, appropriate for this horrid, horrid day.

Not bad, necessarily, but it doesn't really make you scream, "I must read more!"


Here is my second attempt:


I held my breath as the candle guttered in is puddle of wax. Not yet. Not now. But it was to no avail. With one last feeble flicker, the flame died. I squinted down at the page I’d been reading; the tiny script was an inscrutable smear in the wan moonlight. Muttering, I marked my place in the heavy tome, Dragons: Magic and Might, and snapped it closed.

Better. There's a little bit more tension, anyway. But I'm still not satisfied.

This is what I came up with yesterday:     

I wasn’t running away. Not technically.

Pulling the cloak's hood closer around my face, I edged out of my room and tiptoed down the corridor. My skirts rustled, a cacophony in the sleeping silence, and—not for the first time—I cursed the laundry maid who’d discovered my attempt to pilfer one of the squire’s breeches. Her outrage had quivered her jowls and she’d marched me straight to my mother. I’d done many inexplicable, and sometimes unforgivable, things in my mother’s eyes, but my latest escapade had finally managed to crack her icy facade. Her shrieks had ricocheted in my ears long after she’d stopped yelling at me.


In my opinion, much more interesting than the previous two openings. It immediately raises questions and, yes, I would want to read more. 

So, which one would you rather read?

There are some other things, as well, that this new version changes/introduces. In it, Jade is 18. A little older, a little wilder. We get more of a sense of who she is. And, to top things off, you have the question: Why is she running away, though not technically?


I have yet to run this new version by my critique group...but I have a feeling that they'll like it. It will change some of the novel, for sure, but not much (which is something I always like).

And I have that itch again to write, write, write. Not sure if you've been paying attention, but THE LAST OF THE ELVES progress meter is rapidly filling. :D (I love those things, by the way.) And I'm ready to have another project out there for agents to consider. It will probably be a few more months if I decide to pursue this rewrite, but, hey, it's progress. 

How's your writing been going?