About once a week I have an epiphany. An "ah-ha!" moment where I discover some aspect of myself that was previously hidden from me. You'd think at that rate, I should have a pretty good grasp on who I am. And that would probably be true, if I would quit changing.
See, as we become more aware of certain traits in ourselves (and sometimes even traits in others), we adapt to embrace or reject that trait. (I think that might be the royal we.) For example, I've known for a long time that I'm a perfectionist. I could either embrace that aspect of myself or I could reject it. What did I decide? Um. Still working on that.
No, this isn't my arm. I'm not that hairy.
But I have decided that I'm going to quit trying to "find" myself, because once I do, I inevitably flit away again. Maybe that means I'm wishy-washy, but I prefer to call myself malleable.
I'm the type of person (most of the time) who will try anything once (the exception being something stupid or dangerous or both). Because of this, I find and gain interests at a rapid pace. I pretty much like everything, actually. I like politics, science, mathematics, English, poetry, foreign languages, crafts, mechanics (though I pretend ignorance so my husband doesn't actually make me change my own oil), dancing, music (ALL KINDS), crocheting, typing, puzzles, writing, gardening, fishing (surprise, surprise), exercising, running, shadow-boxing, painting, baking, cooking, drawing, etc. I could go on and on. In fact, most of the time I feel a bit overwhelmed by all my interests and will find myself torn over which ones to pursue. (You ever heard that song by Terri Clark, "I Wanna Do it All"? That's totally me. But at the same time that I have all these diverse interests, I'm hesitant to share them with people for fear of coming across as less than knowledgeable/talented/experienced. Why? Must be the perfectionism kicking in.
But I'm slowly becoming okay with my wishy-washiness, my scatter-brained eagerness to discover and learn and try more and more things. Now, if that perfectionist side of me would only get with the program and let me crow about my interests without fear that someone will come along and call my efforts pathetic.
What are your interests? Any that you've recently acquired?
I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of the holidays. The commercialism, the politically-correctedness (is that a word?) of it, just makes me nauseous. I seriously want to go hermit and hide October through November.
Granted, there are things that I DO like about the holidays: Christmas carols, pumpkin pie, family gatherings, old movies, cold nights and hot chocolate, snuggling with your spouse. But anymore those things tend to take the back seat to the constant rush of the season. It's all about shopping lists and late-night baking frenzies and long trips to see people you're not even sure if you like.
Sigh.
Piling all this seasonal pressure on my already over-full schedule is just a disaster waiting to happen. I feel it today, especially. The day before Thanksgiving, and instead of ruminating on all the joys of Thanksgiving and all the things that I'm thankful for, I'm worried about cooking and schedules and resenting the fact that we have to go to my in-laws when all I really want to do is spend all day noshing at my parents' house (and I love my in-laws, I really do . . .but, well, they're not family-family). It's been all about compromise for me. And you know the thing about compromise: it never makes you happy.
So, I'm not all that happy. I'm stressed, is what I am. Fracturing, truthfully. About to blow my top. Every spare moment of my time has been dedicated to racking up the volunteer hours I need for the class I'm taking, and while I enjoy volunteering it's a far cry from the relaxing "me time" I need to keep my sanity.
Honestly, if it weren't for running, I would probably have gone crazy a week or so ago. But running keeps me sane. If it didn't take so much of my energy, I would probably be happy as a clown right now. But, well, running can be HARD (especially when you push yourself to go faster, further and harder each time, like me) and it makes me tired. And everyone knows (or soon will) that a tired Brandi equals a I-want-to-rip-your-eyes-out Brandi. Never good.
In order to keep this from happening (and destroy the "oh, she's such a sweet person" impression that my in-laws have of me) I'm going to take tonight off. Just me, the hubby (who'd better cooperate and be nice to me), the furry babies and some trashy movie that makes me laugh. Maybe some hot chocolate, too.
That will certainly give me a few things to be thankful for (like having the state-of-mind not to attack people for no reason).
Wow, I should do blogfests more often! Welcome, newcomers, to the craziness that is me!
Thought I would give you an update on what's been going on with me (and, yes, vacuum cleaners will be involved). My fiance and I are currently living with my parents. Yay. I just found out that the house we're supposed to be moving into will not be ready for another week (surprise, surprise!), so, if I'm lucky, I will be moving into the new place the weekend before my wedding.
::Cue hysterical laughter::
We will also have to buy a refrigerator for the new place. So much for trying to crawl my way out of debt.
But, some good news! I am going to have a short story published! And I will get paid for it! Yay! It will be in an ebook and possibly even a print edition. We shall see. I'll keep you updated as soon as I know more.
Last night Fiance and I spent the majority of our time cleaning the old house for the new renters (because we're nice like that). I changed from my work clothes into some grubby clothes and put my engagement ring and watch in my dress pants pocket. (Do you see where this is going?)
While I'm shampooing the carpet in the master bedroom, Fiance is vacuuming the living room. He picks up my work clothes (do you see where this is going?) and my ring and watch fall out. He vacuums up my ring.
Yep.
No big deal, right? After all, there are only so many places something vacuumed up can go, right?
So I didn't panic. I sort of laughed and was like, "Well, you did it so you get it out, Fiance," and continued shampooing carpets.
Thirty minutes and a shredded vacuum cleaner bag later, still no ring.
!!!
I start getting a little panicky. Maybe it's stuck in the filter, hose, brush, etc. Fiance doesn't hear it rattling around, but I insist that maybe its lodged in there somehow.
We proceed to destroy the vacuum cleaner. We smash and break. We tear the thing to pieces.
Still no ring.
We get out the metal detector and go through the contents of the vacuum's bag carpet bunny by carpet bunny. I suggest we set it all on fire. Fiance barely manages to talk me out of it.
We check the entire living room floor, under the porch, between the cracks in the steps, in the grass. We find a washer and a tent stake, but no ring.
I'm hysterical at this point. WTF? What happened? Did the vacuum cleaner transport the ring to another dimension? This, really, sounds like the only logical conclusion.
At this point, we have spent almost an hour and a half looking for this ring.
I'm in tears. Fiance is trying to console me with "It has insurance, we can replace it. It's just a ring."
"It's not just a ring!" I wail. "It's my ENGAGEMENT ring!"
(Gentlemen, there is no reasoning with a hysterical woman who just lost her engagement ring.)
It's 9:30 p.m. The neighbors think we're crazy because not only have we borrowed their metal detector, but now we need to borrow their vacuum cleaner. (We neglected to tell them what EXACTLY happened to ours.) We finish cleaning to the harmony of my sniffles.
We get to my parent's house at approximately 10 p.m. I unleash my cat and he immediately gets into a fight with my mom's cat. We have to separate them. Mom tells us that my chihuahua might be having puppies. I contemplate calling into work and taking a mental health day.
But I don't.
I get up. Drive to Lincoln. Drop off boots for my bridesmaid to wear to her fitting. Drop off Jake (he promises to look for my ring while he waits for the tow truck to haul his old car to the new place) and head to work.
Halfway there he calls to tell me that the tow truck people didn't show up. And then he says, "Oh, by the way, will you marry me?"
"You found it!"
"Yep."
"Where was it?"
"In the lining of the vacuum cleaner's bag." We searched that, like, six times and never saw anything. I swear.
I have finished the series, now. And, yes, I loved them. Yes, I want to rave and rave and gush and gush, but I won't. Why? Because I don't really want to spoil them for you. Let's just say that Ms. Collins lived up to the expectations set forth in The Hunger Games. The last book was...amazing. Truly. GO READ IT NOW. (It also made me cry...::sniffle::)
As for how my life is going. Ha. Ha. I'm not sure if I bent your ear on my current living situation or not, but here it goes. We are supposed to be moving into this house on a farm. Great deal. Me? I wasn't thrilled about moving before the wedding because I'm already crazy with that, so I didn't really need any more stress. BUT they just HAVE to have someone move in ASAP because there is a lot of expensive equipment on said property that needs to be watched. They wanted us to move in Sept. 1 or sooner.
All right. Since it is such a great deal, I agreed even though I knew it would make me almost unbearable to be around. And for the most part I have kept my cool. People have remarked on how calm I am and all that... I just laugh because THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD.
Because, at this moment, the house is not ready to be moved into. And the house I currently live in has to be vacated BY Sept. 1 so the new renters can move in. Sept. 1 is this upcoming Wednesday.
You see my dilemma.
I'm so high-strung that I can't have sugar or caffeine because it's making me shake. (Which is really depressing since I live off of sugar and caffeine.) The wedding is three weeks away and I'm horrified at the thought that I might be living with my parents. :P
We're moving this weekend (even if we don't know where). And that's the scary part...I have no idea where the heck I will be on Monday. I will probably show up to work being all crazy-eyed and spend most of the day in my chair rocking back and forth.
Newsroom Headline: Bride-to-be Loses Sanity, Fiance Nowhere to Be Found (Because he will run away)
One of my coworkers came up to me this morning and asked that simple question, "How are you?"
My reply? "Ask me after September 18th."
Because right now I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out that just THINKING about how overwhelmed and stressed out I am makes everything worse. So I'm living on a moment-by-moment basis. And when I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off (nice simile, eh?) then I'm having to distract myself with mind-absorbing things.
So I bought Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins yesterday. No, I couldn't really afford it (hardback), but I bought it simply as a way to preserve my sanity. (At least that's what I'm telling myself.)
I also keep telling myself that next week will better. And the week after that. And the week after that. Before I know it, it will be September 18th, I will be married and I will no longer have to even THINK about all the crap I need to do for the wedding. And, yes, I am so freaking glad that Fiance and I are going to Spa City (that's Hot Springs for you non-Arkies) for our honeymoon. Mineral baths? Oh yes. Massages? Thank you, God. Jacuzzi in the room... :D
And after it's all said and done, I will be so blissfully happy. Because it's over with and, dear Lord, I will NEVER have to do this again.
So, for all you married folks out there, do you have any pointers on how to keep your pre-wedding sanity? (Not the jitters, I'm not worried about the actual marrying part.) Because I need some help!
