This weekend, which was supposed to be a time for fun and laughter and lots of water and sun, ended up being a really awful weekend. Friday morning, before we even had all our stuff packed for the lake, my mother called me to tell me that my grandmother was not going to survive the weekend. She advised me to go see her before we left. It was an awful sight. My grandma, who has always been a very thin woman, was nothing more than a skeleton. Each breath she took was painful to hear. It was--in a word--heartbreaking. We stayed for a while, but she never woke up. She never knew we were there.
She died the next afternoon. Leaving my boyfriend to go fishing (he said he couldn't deal with it, he'd watched too many people mourn) I went back to my grandma's house. I expected a scene of deepest mourning. It was, but everyone was mostly calm and relaxed. We were even able to joke around and share a few laughs. My cousin came back with me to the lake that night (I had to pick up my stranded boyfriend) and we sat on the dock just listening to the night for a while.
Sunday, however, was when it hit me. Grandma hadn't left a will, but she wanted everyone of her grandkids to have something of hers. It was impossible to choose. I didn't want anything. And I wasn't the only one having problems. When I finally decided what I wanted (a resin castle with pewter and crystal figurines of dragons, unicorns and wizards) I sobbed and sobbed. It's sitting on my dining room table at the moment. I had planned to put it on top of my entertainment stand, but I don't know if I can manage it. It hurts to look at it.
I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up and just staring at the ceiling. And I have to keep myself occupied, or else I just start crying.
I'm sorry I haven't kept this a 'professional' blog. I can only excuse my actions with saying that grief often affects writing. Sometimes it unleashes the river of creativity, other times it stifles it. I'm not sure where I am at the moment. I need to work on Ch. 18., but that is where Jade learns that Tyar has died (sorry for the spoiler) and I just can't bring myself to write about more grief right now.
