This weekend, which was supposed to be a time for fun and laughter and lots of water and sun, ended up being a really awful weekend. Friday morning, before we even had all our stuff packed for the lake, my mother called me to tell me that my grandmother was not going to survive the weekend. She advised me to go see her before we left. It was an awful sight. My grandma, who has always been a very thin woman, was nothing more than a skeleton. Each breath she took was painful to hear. It was--in a word--heartbreaking. We stayed for a while, but she never woke up. She never knew we were there.
She died the next afternoon. Leaving my boyfriend to go fishing (he said he couldn't deal with it, he'd watched too many people mourn) I went back to my grandma's house. I expected a scene of deepest mourning. It was, but everyone was mostly calm and relaxed. We were even able to joke around and share a few laughs. My cousin came back with me to the lake that night (I had to pick up my stranded boyfriend) and we sat on the dock just listening to the night for a while.
Sunday, however, was when it hit me. Grandma hadn't left a will, but she wanted everyone of her grandkids to have something of hers. It was impossible to choose. I didn't want anything. And I wasn't the only one having problems. When I finally decided what I wanted (a resin castle with pewter and crystal figurines of dragons, unicorns and wizards) I sobbed and sobbed. It's sitting on my dining room table at the moment. I had planned to put it on top of my entertainment stand, but I don't know if I can manage it. It hurts to look at it.
I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up and just staring at the ceiling. And I have to keep myself occupied, or else I just start crying.
I'm sorry I haven't kept this a 'professional' blog. I can only excuse my actions with saying that grief often affects writing. Sometimes it unleashes the river of creativity, other times it stifles it. I'm not sure where I am at the moment. I need to work on Ch. 18., but that is where Jade learns that Tyar has died (sorry for the spoiler) and I just can't bring myself to write about more grief right now.
Oh, Brandi, I'm so sorry for your loss. One of the worst things about getting older is that everyone around us is getting older too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Get back to writing when you can. Maybe in this case it might be a good idea to skip ahead a few chapters or scenes until you can deal with Jade's reaction.
All the best.
Brandi, if I may use your name so personally without knowing you, I as well am sorry for your loss. We never know when we will lose those close to us, and sometimes when we do, we feel guilty for time missed and sad for times long gone. During these times, it is so hard to remember the times that made you smile, that made things enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I lost a grandfather long ago, my mother and grandmother were in such grieving, that I became their pillar of support. It allowed me no time to grieve and when I did, it was delayed and it came out like a waterfall. But as I look back, now, even though I remember my grandfather in the casket, my heart and mind tell me that that was not him. He was the the kind, honry man that work his life to provide for his family. I remember the mornings getting up with him and watching the sun rise while drinking coffee and discussing the wide world. I still remember the smell of his chewing tobacco and the smell of his shirts from working with wood all day long. So in time, I can tell you, it will be ok.
I believe that my grandfather is still alive, becuase he is alive in me. When I talk about him, he is still part of this world. When I think of things he used to say, I still smile and laugh in his honor. Its as if his Spirit and Soul are still around and occasionally brushing up against mine. I think the reason I did not feel this shortly after his passing is, because, well, I'm sure he had quite a bit of paperwork to fill out in Heaven and was a little busy. LOL.. sorry, bad humor.
As for writing during this period, I think break should be in order. Allow yourself time to re-find your balance and to harness the raw emotion you feel right now. It often becomes easy during times like this to become overly-critical and to turn the anguish to your work, leaving you feeling highly unsatisfied with it, and even more unsatisfied when you attempt to edit it or add to it.
So you take some time for you, the book will be there when you get back to it, and during this break, you might just think of the key to unlock that perfect plot or battle in the way you wanted to achieve it.
Once again, I bid you good luck with your stories, and as a person that has lost many people close to him, my heart goes out to you. Remember, with those who have passed, its not goodbye, its only, see you later. =)
Thank you for your support and comments. I really appreciate it. All I can say is today is better than yesterday, so that's something. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you decided to post, Brandi, despite your grief. It reminded me of when my grandmother died.
ReplyDeleteI was only 17, had just graduated high school not more than a month before. She was at my grad party, and so energetic and happy and full of life. I had decided to spend a few weeks with her exclusively that summer, to get to know more about my family heritage (her parents were Italian immigrants and she was one of 11 children), but I hadn't talked to her about it yet. I never did get the chance...not long after that, she had gone out dancing with her friends and had a heart attack.
That was 13 years ago and I still miss her. I know it's hard to look at it now, but you are fortunate to have something concrete that reminds you of your grandmother. I have nothing but old photos.
Hang in there. Don't fight the grieving process. If some things have to be put on hold for a while, then so be it. Take care. :)