And that's my greatest fear--not being good enough. So I'm one of those people who goes out of her way to prove others (but mostly myself) wrong. Just to say, "See? And you thought you couldn't do it!"
I've done so many amazing things with my life already and yet they slip my mind. I forget that I am someone who is worthy of my dreams. I've worked and I've struggled. I've suffered and I've conquered. And more times than not, I've come out on top.
I guess I'm too sensitive. I came into the world of professional writing knowing that it was going to be hard. It was going to cut me, deeply. And there would probably be more failures than successes. I KNEW this. I thought I was able to accept it. And I did...for a while. When the first rejection rolled in, I was actually a little bit relieved. (Whew, glad that's over with.) The second one didn't hurt either. But the more rejections that came in, no matter how nice or professional, cut just a little bit more. And before I could grasp what was happening, I had bled out. All my hopes, my confidence, my dreams drained from me. And, once again, that dreaded not-good-enough monster loomed over me gnashing its teeth.
It's been on my back for a while now. Burrowing deeper and deeper. I tried to hide it. I tried to smile and shrug and say, "Better luck next time." But it wasn't until last night that I finally acknowledged it. Getting rid of it involved a huge amount of optimism and honesty. And it involved crying--not the woe-is-me crying, but the healing crying that breaks open a festered wound and lets it finally heal. I came out of it with swollen eyes but feeling so much lighter. The monster had gone back to its lair, and I was once again to see my dreams--battered, but not broken--in front of me.
And I thought, "I CAN do this. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not a year from now, but I will make it one day. I know that I will. And, no matter how many more times the not-good-enough monster returns, I'll remember that I AM good enough and forge ahead. And, once more, I'll achieve my dreams, even if it shocks the heck out of me when it happens."
One day, I WILL make it.
That's the spirit! :D
ReplyDeleteI'm constantly plagued with doubt too, as my most recent post attests. But just the act of writing a book when most people get nowhere near that point (and many people do consider authoring a book of some sort) is an accomplishment in itself worthy of you're saying, "I AM good enough!"
HELL YES YOU WILL.
ReplyDeletei love this post, Brandi. i love it. i want to hug it. and i want to hug YOU! it's exactly these kinds of reflections that should suffice in reminding us how far we've come.
that attitude will carry you through EVERYTHING, love.
everything.
just hang in there. hold fast to that rope and never let go.
<333333
Yes, you will.
ReplyDeleteYou are, without a doubt, one of the best writers I have had the pleasure of meeting. I communicate with a lot of writers, and I have a very short list of those I consider the very best.
You are on that list.
Believe in yourself, keep writing as well as you do, and it will happen.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
ReplyDeleteWonderful picture to wrap up what is an ultimately hopeful post. Yes, you can do it. We believe in you. And best of all, you believe in you again.
ReplyDeleteI believe you will make it too. I love your stories. And Cancers are awesome! This phase has to be so difficult. I was just reading something about rejections a couple of days ago, and one thing that sticks out in my mind is, "A rejection doesn't necessarily mean your work is bad, it's just not what the agent/publisher is looking for right now." Keep searching for the right agent/publisher for you. I know they have to be out there. I'd put money on your work (if I had it)!
ReplyDeleteOh my word, Brandi: I'm going through that right now! This post is just what I needed. It REALLY is.
ReplyDeleteAfter I finished up one of my novels, I started to wonder if it was only a one time thing. Then the rejections started to come, and just like you said, the first one was a relief. I haven't gotten so many as other writers, but they're still coming and each new one makes me feel like I must not be quite good enough to make it, because if I was, surely someone would have picked up my novel by now.
Well, you don't have to worry about anything though. (that doesn't mean you won't, but you don't have to.) You're writing is very good, at least in my oppinion, and I love reading it. no joke. We'll all make it one day... if we can keep from killing ourselves with our own critism, that is. :)
Take courage, Brandi because you most certainly will make it! You have more strength and experience now, and it help you get where you need to go. Don't forget that the human spirit is a frightening thing that gets what it desires if its cultivated and allowed to grow and expand. You have tons of spirit so you'll get what you want. :D
ReplyDeleteThank you all! You guys are the reason why I keep trudging, because even when I lose faith in myself, you still have faith in me. Thank you so much! You are fabulous friends! And one day we can look back on all this and think, "Ha! See, we knew we would make it!"
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