Yesterday was crap. Today was worse. I should have taken the hint last night and just called in sick today. Because today has really sucked so far.
But, let's start with last night. I am so bone-achingly tired I felt like someone had run me over. I can deal with it, though, except that when I reach that point of exhaustion, I turn mean. I'm usually a nice person (or, at least, I keep my thoughts to myself) but I am very nasty when I'm tired. My mood sucks and I am not a joy to be around. But, I've got things to do, so taking a nap is not an option. I decide to upload photos that had been on the camera for over a month (including pics of my wedding dress) and then I just about cry. I've been working out and dieting and everything, but I look like I weigh 200 pounds in these photos. I asked my fiance, OMG, do I really look like that? Have I been deluding myself this whole time that I was getting into shape and looking better? Because I look like a cow, a fat cow. A hippo. An ugly hippo. ::cry::
He was just like "You're beautiful" which, of course, evaded my question of "do I really look like that?" So, I assume that I DO look like I weigh 200 pounds and began deleting everything and vowing to do all the things that I normally am so against (starvation, for one). I tried to give myself a pep talk last night (Just work harder, Brandi. Results will come. That angle was bad. Even super-skinny-friend looked heavier than she was (like 110 instead of 100.)) But, I was still depressed. A warning, really, to stay in bed today.
But I got up. Let the dog out. Drank half a cup of coffee and preceded to get ready for work. I set my cup of coffee down, let the dog back in, and she begins drinking it. Gross, right? So, I dump what's left, rinse out the cup, and pour some more coffee. I take a sip--and just about throw up. Apparently, before Gypsy (the dog) decided to have coffee, she partook of something dead. So my cup smelt like something had died in it. (I am still amazed that I didn't throw up.) Fiance laughs. I tell him that it is SO not funny.
I brush my teeth and gargle about three bottles worth of mouthwash (ok, not that much, but you get the point). Finish getting ready for work, but have to eat breakfast still. (Yeah, a lovely thought.) I abandon coffee and decide to have milk instead. I get a fresh cup from the cabinet, pour the milk and down it. At the bottom of the cup, there is a crust of something that hadn't been washed out the last time it had been used. I am close to screaming at this point. Or crying. Or just having a mental break. Because YUCK. Gross. Disgusting. Fiance laughs again (he was probably the one who didn't get the cup clean). I want to murder him. Now, everything just looks disgusting. I forced myself to eat a piece of toast with peanut butter (of course, the toast burnt) just so that I don't pass out at work.
But now I'm still queasy. I swear I can still smell that nasty smell. I think I'm going to be sick. Yes, you're welcome. Glad to share.
Eesh. Do I need to get on my soapbox and tell you just how wrong it is to starve yourself to lose weight?
ReplyDeleteMy older sister is borderline anorexic. She consumes no more than 500 calories a day. It's disgusting. Not beautiful at all. She looked better when she "thought" she was fat... when she was actually a normal weight.
And NOT eating slows your metabolism so you don't burn any calories while at rest.
Eating small portions at frequent intervals is the best start to any weight loss regime. You won't feel hungry because you're EATING and you won't overeat because your stomach is always full, and (the best part) since your body is constantly working at breaking down that food, your metabolism skyrockets.
YOU'LL BURN CALORIES IN YOUR SLEEP. NOT KIDDING.
Not to mention, low metabolism is a factor in most cases of depression. Don't go there.
Okay. I'm done now. But there is oh-so-much more I could tell you. Just saying. Go have a snack. Please.
I will eat. Sorry, Lydia, I don't mean to worry you. I was just being a Drama Queen. I had popcorn and then ate a sandwich and an orange for lunch. I'm good.
ReplyDeleteHaha. Okay. Good.
ReplyDeleteFunny... I had an orange today, too.
I swear, oranges are wonderful when I'm feeling down. The flavor and smell of a fresh one is bright and perky. And if I do dumb things like put a hunk of rind in my mouth and make orange rind smilies at myself in the mirror, I make myself laugh.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm feeling the need to go see if we have any in the house. Maybe that would wake my brain up some more for less zoning out. Mmmmm, oranges.
I know you are going through a lot. Querying your novel AND planning a wedding? Horror! I feel like I've been pulling my fiancee by the hand and dragging her to get her to make plans. I made invitations when she was still dillying around about how we might not have the ceremony at the place we have planned for over a year. She is finally making plans--right now-- with some of her family without me while I'm at work so it's whatever. LOL I'm just glad she is finally doing something. Oh and I just found out my best friend's baby shower is on the same day as my wedding so we have to agree to miss each other's events! And I submitted my short story to a WD contest today and forgot to staple the pages so I'm all worried I'll be disqualified! I have gained weight over the winter and usually I freak out about my looks but for some reason I really don't think I look like I weigh as much as the scale says and I haven't been as worried about it as you would think. I don't really have any advice except. . . thank God it's the weekend and maybe you will be able to relax!
ReplyDelete