Why Can't I Think?

I'm at that point where my brain is starting to hurt, it's so full of crap.

I'm freaking out about my wedding. Which is only 80 days away, people! I, honestly, have no idea what I'm doing. What I should be doing, even. I need a practice wedding just so I can make sure that my REAL wedding comes out right.

I'm obsessing a bit, I know. But I want it to be a nice wedding (not perfect, since that isn't possible). I want it to be elegant, and, slowly but surely, it's disintegrating into a big redneck mess. It's because I'm trying to make everyone happy and I'm sacrificing a lot of what I REALLY want due to finances and circumstances and such. That's life.

My problem is, my expectations are getting higher and higher, but at the same time my confidence that the wedding will actually be what I want is getting lower and lower. So, I've been depressed and a little bit bitchy, which I hate and I constantly berate myself about...and that just makes me feel worse. So I'm spiraling out of control. Ack. I think I'm becoming a pouty bridezilla, which I HATE. But I'm just so frustrated because everything that should have happened or been taken care of HASN'T been. People who begged me, "Let me take care of this for you," are not following through on their promises. Is it my right to be miffed at these people, even when I love them and appreciate them for wanting to help in the first place? Should I continue to keep my mouth shut and cross my fingers that they will EVENTUALLY do what they are supposed to do or give them an ultimatum? I feel awful for even having to think about it.

And I'm disappointed. I agreed to get married at my parents' house in the condition that the yard was kept up and filled with flowers (like my mother swore it would be) and everything that's lying around the yard (broken doors, buckets, dogs, miscellaneous crap) be cleaned up. My mom keeps talking about all this stuff we have to do but won't actually give me a time to do it. So things keep getting put off.

It's going to be up to me. That's how it always is. This weekend, I'm going over there (dragging my fiance, too) and we are going to get that yard up to shape. We're going to get things ordered. No more waiting. No more hoping that things are going to come together some day. I'm going to have to make this happen.

So, all of this stress has been pushing on my brain and I haven't been able to write worth a flying flip. That irritates me, because I want to finish ELVES within the next few months. (Hopefully by October.) And stress also makes me over-critical of myself, so I'm hating my writing again. (Yay.) But (BIG BREATH) I'm going to make all this happen. I'm going to get things done so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

What's funny (if a bit irritating) is that people keep asking me if I'm sure I want to get married. YES, I want to get married, but I don't know if I want all this extra ceremony crap. (I actually never wanted a big wedding. I wanted a small, intimate wedding and that got blown out of the water.) But, I know that if I don't go through with it, one day I'll regret not having that big ceremony. So, I'm going to grin and bear it. It can only get smoother from here, right?

Contest Results!

Congratulations to our winners! Or should I say, our entries? Since there was only three, that means Tim , Brad and Amanda Sablan all get a guest post/interview. Woohoo! Your haikus were all awesome.

And, bonus! Since I appreciate their participation SO MUCH they all get to pick a book from my list. (Any you please, guys!) I'll be sending each winner an email asking their preference some time today.

I'm thinking about holding another contest in July. Ideas?

Again, congratulations and thank you!

Make A Wish!

I'm a big believer in wishing. It goes hand in hand with dreaming, and I've always been a dreamer. So much so, in fact, that my mom used to call me Bubbles. (Not the nicest nickname, since she claimed that I had air bubbles in my head because I would space out when she was talking to me.) I'm always thinking. Always dreaming. Always wishing.

I used to think that wishes were secrets. You kept them to yourself if you wanted them to come true. Same thing with dreams (like the ones you have when you're asleep). But now I don't believe that so much. I think the more you share your wishes and dreams with the world, the more real they become. You are constantly reminded of them. Someone will ask you, so how's Wish No. 1 coming along? And it's no longer a wish or a dream, it's a goal.

Today is my birthday. I'm 24. Woot. I'll admit that I've never enjoyed my birthdays because it's usually the day that if something could go wrong, it does. And deep inside I'm a spoiled, selfish princess who still believes that my birthday should be my SPECIAL DAY and I should get whatever the heck I want. (Har. Har.) But the only way that happens is if I make it happen. The same thing with wishes and dreams. You can let them drift away or put them into other people's hands, but, chances are, nothing will come of it. YOU have to do something about it.

When I blew out my tealight candle on the birthday cake that I'd bought for myself (sad, right?), I wished to be published. But I'm not about to sit around and wait for my fairy godmother to show up and poke me with her wand. I'm going to try harder. I'm going to make it happen.

24 is the magic number. :)

I'm Addicted!

NOTE: Only 3 days left for the haiku contest. Contest closes at 11:59 p.m. Monday.

A while back, I got into a discussion about addiction with a few of the forumites on WD. It focused on smoking, and I confessed that I don't really understand addictions. And it's strange, because my father's side of the family is full of people with addictive personalities (my father included). But me? I've always been able to walk away from anything.

That's a good thing, right?

Yeah. But, I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on something. I don't want to be addicted to alcohol or drugs or cigarettes, but I would like to be addicted (or at least obsessed with) something harmless. Coffee. Chocolate. Books.

Wait, books? :D I love books. I forgot about that since it's been SO LONG since I bought one. So, I guess I do have an addiction. OMG, I'm so happy. I HAVE AN ADDICTION!

I seriously, could not live without books. My life would be empty. Meaningless. I have to look at them, touch them, READ them. I can read a book multiple times (if it's good) and still come out of it with a word-charge high. I love bookstores, too. I can spend, literally, HOURS in one. Which is why I don't go very often. I spend too much money. :(

But...my birthday is coming up. I think I deserve a couple of new books. :D

No New Ideas...or Why I Really Need to Outline

I'm usually a write-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of writer. I don't outline. I don't think too far ahead. I just come up with a character and let them take me where they will. This has made for some exciting discoveries...and some pretty big flops.

I decided that in order to get out of my rut with Last of the Elves, I needed to make an outline. I needed a clear idea of where the story was going and how the characters were going to get there. And I outlined myself right into a wall.

The good thing about this was: it's only an outline. I didn't have chapters and chapters of useless scenes to build up to a pathetic and cliche ending. I saw it immediately and about gagged. Really, Brandi? That's all you could come up with?

Maybe it's because I fixate on certain things. I have a comfort niche and I unconsciously write into it. Bleh.

This comfort niche involves the MC. Usually they are unassuming and not very powerful, but they have a secret power locked inside them and they can use it to conquer evil, if only they figure out how! Looking back at my "completed" works, I see it in FURY and DRAGON QUEEN. Of course, there is a slight variation due to circumstance and such, but now I find myself trying to grab onto it for ELVES. No! Bad Brandi!

So, I have to come up with something new. Something different. But how? Every time my mind tries to go a different direction, the niche pulls me back in. And I'm stuck. Stuck and frustrated.

I don't want to be one of those authors who gives their characters different names and slightly different circumstances, but in the end tells the same story. Just the thought that I might not be capable of anything else makes me want to cry. ::sniffle::

(Ok, moment of self-pity over.)

I will come up with something else...I just don't know what yet!

My First Ever Contest!!!

First off, thank you to Amanda Sablan for awarding me The Versatile Blogger award! I shall be passing it along soon. (Got to get a list organized for my scatterbrained-ness.)

And BIG NEWS! I am going to have a contest, with, like, real awards! Books, people! Books! (We all love the books, right?)

Here's how to enter:

1. In the comment section of this post, write me a haiku about writing. Your woes, your joys, your rants...anything goes!

2. Tweet/blog/facebook about this contest and include the link in the comments.

And that's it! The most original one (bonus points for making me laugh) will get to choose one of the following prizes*:

Donald Maass' The Fire in Fiction 

Ray Rhamey's Flogging the Quill:Crafting a Novel that Sells 

Betsy Lerner's The Forest for the Trees 

Stephen King's On Writing 

...And will also get a guest blog post!

Second and third place winners will also get their choice of an author spotlight or guest blog post. **

*Note that I am not being paid to publicize any of the above works and that any prizes are being paid for from my own funds.


**EDIT: Oops. I knew I was forgetting something. Deadline is Monday, June 28. That's a whole week to come up with your brilliance!

Why Am I Doing This?: A Twix Analogy

Just a few minutes ago, I ate a Twix bar. Sounds, yummy, right? And it was supposed to be. But the caramel was all...chewy and crunchy at the same time. I should have stopped with the first bite, but I kept eating, thinking, "It's going to get better." It didn't. I finished the first bar and contemplated the second one. I was like, "Ah, what the heck, it can't be any worse, right?" Wrong. It was worse. It was like chewing caramel flavored rubber. The sad thing: I still ate it. All. Of. It.

"Why?" I asked myself even I was still chewing. "It's not tasty. You certainly aren't deriving any satisfaction out of it, and you really don't need the empty calories." And still, I ate it.

In a way, me eating that Twix is a bit like me revising a novel. I don't enjoy it. It often gives me a headache and sometimes it feels like a huge waste of time. And yet, I still revise and revise again.

You know what I did today? I rewrote the first chapter of FURY.

I KNOW. It surprised the heck outta me, too. Even as I was writing it, I was asking myself, "Why am I doing this? I'm supposed to be finished with this. On the shelf. Done." And, still, I wrote.

You know what the most amazing part of it was? I was actually excited. It was as if something finally clicked, and I finally took one of my Writer's Digest forumite's suggestions. (Thanks, hematite!) And I was thrilled because FURY was finally beginning to shape up. FINALLY.

It's a strange thing to trudge through something knowing that you probably should just leave it alone, but unable to do so. I'm just glad that, in the end, FURY will be more satisfying than that Twix.