Seriously, you don't.
So, stop reading and go back to YouTube. You don't want to read this.
Are you still reading?
All right, you've been warned.
To steal a quote from Avatar, life has been "pissing on [me] without the courtesy of calling it rain." It's been just one big spiral of suckiness and Brandi is trying to be optimistic (or at least realistic) but she is about to go freaking insane (as you can tell by her referring to herself in the third person).
It's hot here. It's Arkansas. So if it's not hot and humid, it's rainy and humid. I drive a black car. Which likes to overheat if I try to run the air conditioner. When it overheats, it starts blowing scorching hot air. Brandi has had three near-death experiences (yes, that's me being a drama queen). I thought a new thermostat (according to my fiance and his mechanic friends) would fix it. Nope. No such luck. So after I went around and around with the delivery company for losing my thermostat, I didn't actually need it.
Talk about ironic.
Got a new cell phone which enjoys fading other people's voices in and out so I can't hear them. More fun stuff.
Need a new mattress. Ours is, literally, a sagging rectangle of the most pathetic stuffing ever. And we've only had it a year. And I bought it BRAND NEW. AND IT WASN'T CHEAP AND I THINK IT HAS A WARRANTY BUT I CAN'T FIND IT AND EVEN IF I COULD FIND IT I WOULDN'T WANT ANOTHER MATTRESS FROM THE SORRY PLACE THAT I BOUGHT IT FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
And then, I was going to have this big clean-up/cook-out party at my parent's place to get everything ready for the wedding so that, instead of having to spend every weekend there from now until the wedding, we could enlist our friends to help and knock it out in one weekend. We would then reward them with hamburgers and beer. Sounds like a plan, huh?
Except for the fact that my fiance REFUSED to even consider it. He is one of those crazy rednecks who will give you the shirt off his back but, if he needs a shirt, refuses to take the one back that he just gave you. I love him for it, but it's frustrating the heck out of me. I tried reasoning with him, but, yeah, failure.
So I get to spend every weekend up to my wedding at my parents' house getting rid of crap that they said would be gotten rid of MONTHS ago. Just thinking about how much work has to be done makes me whimper. But, hey, maybe it will only take MOST of my weekends and not ALL of them.
I haven't been sleeping well because of all this stress. So, lack of sleep piled on top of stress has sent me into depression (which I really hoped to avoid...I'd been doing so well). The depression is so bad that I've considered going to my doctor and asking for a prescription. Or maybe a lobotomy.
In my American Lit class I heard the quote, "Depression is anger turned inward." But, I look at all this CRAP that I've just written about and I honestly don't know why I'm angry about it. Maybe that's why I'm turning it inward, because I know it's just stupid, petty stuff that doesn't matter and yet I let it get to me anyway.
There is one thing that I think I'm justified to be upset about, however. Over the weekend I found out that my grandmother (my only living grandparent) will probably not make it to my wedding because she hasn't been taking care of herself. (No, I don't think she's going to pass away, but her health isn't stable enough to make a trip.) So, I'm sad. Really sad.
I need a pick me up. Some good news. I need things to go smoothly for once.
Or some jokes. Anyone have some good jokes?
Okay, I've got one.
ReplyDeleteYou say, "Knock, knock..."
First, Brandi, it's not stupid, petty stuff. It's stuff that matters to you, and that makes it important. Don't internalize it. You have every right to be vocal about the things that bother you.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm sorry to hear that about your grandmother, and I hope that it works out that she's able to be there for you.
Third, stupid humor time (and I mean stupid):
Three blondes walk into a building...
...You'd think at least ONE of them would've seen it...
Stupid jokes? My mind went totally blank, so I just typed "stupid jokes" into the search bar and got this: http://www.thejokeyard.com/stupid_jokes/index.html
ReplyDeleteSigns that you drink too much coffee (just a few off the list)
*You can thread a sewing machine, while it's still running.
*You short out motion detectors.
*You don't tan; you roast.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Brandi, I'll be praying that everything gets better for you. Here's a joke that made me laugh. I hope it's not too inappropriate:
ReplyDeleteThe bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
Great jokes, everyone. And it's OK, Sammy. I have a dirty mind (I just try to pretend I don't most of the time).
ReplyDeleteI love the coffee analogies. The 20 miles on a treadmill is me on espresso for sure.
And blonde jokes never get old. Even if my fiance is blond (when he actually let's his hair grow out).
No jokes, but by now you're feeling better already! I hope. If not, here's a few waves of positive energy coming your way....
ReplyDelete