I hate being a grown-up

I was never one of those girls who was like "OMG, I can't wait until I'm sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one, etc." I looked on every year of my life that I lived with a sense of nostalgia. One year older meant fewer things I could get away with. No more dolls. No more make-believe. No more asking Mom for money.

Growing up meant hormones, bills, and responsibilities. Being a grown-up, despite it's perks (freedom from parents (sort of), ability to consume alcohol legally, voting, driving, etc.) really sucks most of the time. And I'm tired of it. I just want to ESCAPE being a grown-up for a little while.

Right now I'm in the middle of all these people and all their crap. My fiance wants to move to the country, which is fine, but he wants to move to the other side of the county, which would take me away from my family, my friends, and all the places that I'm familiar with. Maybe I'm a coward, but I like the familiar. I'm comfortable with the familiar. And I'm really bad at growing accustomed to new situations. (It scared the bejesus out of me to move into a place with my fiance (then boyfriend) and it took me MONTHS to get used to it.) The lady that he's wanting to rent from can't make up her mind though. She's not sure when we'll be able to move in. She wants to leave some of her stuff there. Etc. She can't make up her mind!!!!

Meanwhile, we're renting from my brother. It's a really great deal, a nice house with a big yard (even if it is in the middle of town) and it's reasonably quiet. We don't have to worry about a flighty landlord or nosy landlord. We pretty much can do as we please as long as we don't go knocking walls down. Well, my brother said he was going to put the house on the market. Which, to me, was the signal that we should look for somewhere to rent. But, as I have mentioned, the lady doesn't know when we'll be able to move in. So I can't tell my brother when we're moving out (if ever). And then, after I tell the lady, YES we are interested in renting from you, my brother decides not to put his house on the market after all. So, shit, we can't move out without making sure he has renters ready to move in. (This is not his stipulation, it's something I feel obligated to do since he was helping me out.) But WE DON'T KNOW WHEN WE CAN MOVE INTO THE OTHER PLACE!

Finally, I became so stressed out that I told Jake (fiance) with tears in my eyes that I couldn't take the constant NOT KNOWING anymore. Plus, our wedding is only FIVE months away and everything is being done in THIS area, so could we please just decide that we're staying where we are at until after the wedding. AT LEAST. He agreed, but with the stipulation that I have to tell the lady that we're no longer interested in the house right now.

Fucking figures.

And then my brother sends me a text message today saying that WE are stressing HIM out because of this constant "we're moving, no we're not" (as if he knows what the hell I'm going through) and gets all waspish with me and says "I'm going to make you sign a new contract after your wedding" which I say is reasonable, but it still hurts because I'm not meaning to stress anyone out (and HELLO, have you seen my mental breakdowns?) and I hate that all this somehow has become MY FAULT. (It wasn't MY decision to try to move somewhere else. Okay? That was all the FIANCE's idea. So why the fuck am I the one who has to call the lady???)

Meanwhile, I still have to call the lady and tell her we're not interested, which makes me feel like crap because I feel like I led her on. But, really, it's the other way around. And I feel bad for her because the whole reason she's moving is to be closer to her father who is dying of cancer and OMG, could I be any more GUILTY???

(And, no, I don't care that I've used multiple run-on sentences.)

(And I apologize for the cuss words. Sorry.)