I hate being a grown-up

I was never one of those girls who was like "OMG, I can't wait until I'm sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one, etc." I looked on every year of my life that I lived with a sense of nostalgia. One year older meant fewer things I could get away with. No more dolls. No more make-believe. No more asking Mom for money.

Growing up meant hormones, bills, and responsibilities. Being a grown-up, despite it's perks (freedom from parents (sort of), ability to consume alcohol legally, voting, driving, etc.) really sucks most of the time. And I'm tired of it. I just want to ESCAPE being a grown-up for a little while.

Right now I'm in the middle of all these people and all their crap. My fiance wants to move to the country, which is fine, but he wants to move to the other side of the county, which would take me away from my family, my friends, and all the places that I'm familiar with. Maybe I'm a coward, but I like the familiar. I'm comfortable with the familiar. And I'm really bad at growing accustomed to new situations. (It scared the bejesus out of me to move into a place with my fiance (then boyfriend) and it took me MONTHS to get used to it.) The lady that he's wanting to rent from can't make up her mind though. She's not sure when we'll be able to move in. She wants to leave some of her stuff there. Etc. She can't make up her mind!!!!

Meanwhile, we're renting from my brother. It's a really great deal, a nice house with a big yard (even if it is in the middle of town) and it's reasonably quiet. We don't have to worry about a flighty landlord or nosy landlord. We pretty much can do as we please as long as we don't go knocking walls down. Well, my brother said he was going to put the house on the market. Which, to me, was the signal that we should look for somewhere to rent. But, as I have mentioned, the lady doesn't know when we'll be able to move in. So I can't tell my brother when we're moving out (if ever). And then, after I tell the lady, YES we are interested in renting from you, my brother decides not to put his house on the market after all. So, shit, we can't move out without making sure he has renters ready to move in. (This is not his stipulation, it's something I feel obligated to do since he was helping me out.) But WE DON'T KNOW WHEN WE CAN MOVE INTO THE OTHER PLACE!

Finally, I became so stressed out that I told Jake (fiance) with tears in my eyes that I couldn't take the constant NOT KNOWING anymore. Plus, our wedding is only FIVE months away and everything is being done in THIS area, so could we please just decide that we're staying where we are at until after the wedding. AT LEAST. He agreed, but with the stipulation that I have to tell the lady that we're no longer interested in the house right now.

Fucking figures.

And then my brother sends me a text message today saying that WE are stressing HIM out because of this constant "we're moving, no we're not" (as if he knows what the hell I'm going through) and gets all waspish with me and says "I'm going to make you sign a new contract after your wedding" which I say is reasonable, but it still hurts because I'm not meaning to stress anyone out (and HELLO, have you seen my mental breakdowns?) and I hate that all this somehow has become MY FAULT. (It wasn't MY decision to try to move somewhere else. Okay? That was all the FIANCE's idea. So why the fuck am I the one who has to call the lady???)

Meanwhile, I still have to call the lady and tell her we're not interested, which makes me feel like crap because I feel like I led her on. But, really, it's the other way around. And I feel bad for her because the whole reason she's moving is to be closer to her father who is dying of cancer and OMG, could I be any more GUILTY???

(And, no, I don't care that I've used multiple run-on sentences.)

(And I apologize for the cuss words. Sorry.)

Voices in My Head

The first critique group I ever had was in college Creative Writing class. And, I will be perfectly honest here, I didn't benefit much. Don't get me wrong, there were some people who knew what to critique and what to leave alone and then there were people who didn't have a clue.

There were more in the latter category.

Like any other writer, I like to hear people praise my work, but that does nothing for me if I KNOW there is something wrong with it and they won't point it out to me. Even if THEY know there is something wrong with it. Most of the time, my most helpful critiques came from my professors (imagine that).

Once I left college behind, I decided that I still needed/craved feedback on my work. I had my doubts and reserves about my work. I knew that it wasn't perfect, but I also didn't think that it was so bad that I should just abandon it. But I needed improvement. So, I joined Writer's Digest Sci-Fi/Fantasy Forum.

These people helped me in so many ways. And, amazingly, they helped me grow as a writer more than any of my college critique groups. I learned the weaknesses in my writing. I learned the value of voice and style. I could actually put a name to character viewpoint and on and on. They've seen both FURY and DRAGON QUEEN and have helped me immeasurably on both.

But...

There comes a time when they can't help me anymore. Because, like me, they know the story too well, and it becomes easier to overlook those plot holes, those POV drifts, etc. And they definitely can't help me with my query.

So I've joined another critique group. One with fresh eyes and fresh voices and they have helped me see the flaws (minor and major) in my writing that some of my previous critters might have missed.

I'm not saying that I'm abandoning Writer's Digest. Not at all. But I won't be frequenting it as much since my main focus is on those two stories. However, new projects will go up in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Forum like always, and I will be sure to pop in and see how everyone is doing, because, besides from being my first critique group, I consider a lot of them my friends.

I also like this new crit group because you have to give crits to receive crits. So what goes around comes around. And that always makes me happy. :)

The Woes and Wonders of Revising

There are a few tricks to revising that I’ve learned now that I’m on my second novel. First, and most importantly, keep a clean copy of your first draft. And I mean clean. No grammar/spelling corrections. No notes in the margins. The thing should look as if it’s going to be submitted to agents/editors (pray, don’t, however).

This is something I neglected to do with FURY, and therefore I lost my reference. It might surprise you, but you never know how many things will change and then be changed back to the way they were. If you have a clean first draft, it’s easier to notice those changes.

Secondly, if you use Microsoft Word, “Track Changes” is your friend. Use it. Love it. Yes, all that red can be a bit distracting (especially if you’re like me and have deleted and rewritten entire scenes), but if you change your mind about changing that sentence/word/passage, you have it right in the margins and can hit “Reject Change” to get everything back the way it was. Plus, it also provides you a visual reminder on just how much you HAVE changed. Nothing like a whole big page of red to make you feel like you actually accomplished something.

Third, edit with a goal in mind. I tend to read the chapter/scene first and then decide if it’s perfectly good the way it is, or if it needs some changes. I make a note (another tool in Microsoft Word is the handy “New Comment” tool) of what those changes should be or things that aren’t working, and then I go through and try to make those changes. Only do this for the big things, though, like character development and plot arc. If you do this for every sentence that doesn’t read well, you’re going to have a big mess of red. Fix the big things first, and then go back and polish up your sentences.

Another thing to remember when revising is to have fun. I, personally, have forgotten about this part more than once. (You’ve heard me whine.) Revising shouldn’t be a chore; it should be viewed as transforming coal into diamonds, because it will pay off. Trust me. Also, you never know where your characters might decide to take you, what twists you will uncover, because, by revising time, you should have a better idea of what your characters want and who they are, and your story will probably be stronger for it. Possibilities will abound (just make sure you don’t let the characters run away with you. Put your foot down. (Yes, I’ve had to do this, too.))

On that note, back to revising DRAGON QUEEN!!

My Mom and Me and the Garden

The older I get, the more I realize how much I'm like my mother. For example: If you had asked me 10 years ago whether I liked to garden, my answer would have been, "Gardening sucks." Because back then, it was a chore. If my brother and I wanted to go swimming, we had to weed the garden first. If I wanted that new book/toy/art supplies, I had to help in the garden. And, let me tell you, there is nothing worse to a 13-year-old who can't stand to get her hands dirty than pulling weeds.

Now, I have my own garden. And, yes, it was my idea. But I also have the tools that I need to make it easier. Namely, gloves. I also have a hand rake and shovel. A hoe that has a smooth, splinter-less handle and a water hose. (No more hauling water by buckets for me.) And I've also planted exactly what I wanted to plant exactly where I wanted to plant it. And the best thing? There is no stingweed in our yard. (Have you ever gotten into a patch of stingweed? Think thousands of cinders in your skin.)

So, now, I can see why my mom always insisted we have a garden. Why she spent countless hours with nothing more than a hoe and a helpful chicken (to eat the grubs) when she knew that, in the end, the weeds would win. But I'm a little different than my mother as well. Because I know that the best time to get out and weed a garden is when the weeds are just teeny little things and easily plucked. She waits until they're up to her knee. (Also, she planted her garden at the end of our bermuda grass lawn... it doesn't take much for bermuda grass to take over.) I also tend the garden in the early morning or late evening, when its cool. She usually had us out there when it was the hottest (probably a secret punishment).

But I've realized that I love plants. I love the smell of them, the brightness on dark soil, the pleasure of seeing them flourish under my care. There's something relaxing and rejuvenating about spending time just weeding a garden, too. It's work that relaxes... kind of like yoga but without all the weird poses.

I keep looking forward to the day when I'll have my own land to do with as I please. When you rent a place, it's all about getting permission first. And, if you do get permission, then you do what work you do knowing that one day you'll have to leave it... and that is painful.

But, anyway, going back to my mom, its strange how some things you think you'll never pick up from your parents sticks with you until the right moment. One day, you're at the farmer's market and you're like "OMG, I'm actually enjoying this!" and "I've become my mother."

Fortunately, that's not a bad thing. :)

Goals for May

I'm a goal setter. I have been one from a very young age. When I was in middle school, I told myself that I would be valedictorian. Viola! Goal achieved. When I was in high school, I told myself that I would get a full ride to college. Check. When I was in college, I told myself that it was about time I took my writing seriously, put my work out there, and did my darnedest to get it published. Well, I'm doing that. Next BIG goal: Get an agent. After that: Get published.

But I'll focus on the smaller goals for now. Here are my goals for May.

1. Revise at least one chapter of DRAGON QUEEN each day. (That should put me through the first revising stage by the middle of the month.)

2. Continue working on my WIPs. Namely ONE THOUSAND. According to Ginger Clark, mermaids are so HOT right now. (Which means by the time OT is finished, it will be the opposite.) Lol.

3. Perfect queries for DQ and FURY. By the end of this month, I'll try sending out queries for FURY again. I think I have a better grasp on the query that I need... and it's not the one I sent out previously.

Three goals sounds pretty doable to me. :)

Weird things you probably don't know about me

1. I love peanut M&Ms (I'm eating some right now.)

2. I could live off of pizza. Seriously. (If I didn't care about weighing 300 pounds.)

3. I love animals. All kinds. Take me to a petting zoo or a farm and I'm in heaven.

4. I have a VERY dirty, twisted sense of humor, but I try to keep it to myself.

5. I cuss in my head A LOT but rarely say it out loud.

6. I think women are more beautiful than men. (Men are hairy.) But I'm NOT lesbian.

7. If I don't get a long, luxurious shower every night, I am totally pissed.

8. I get MEAN when I'm tired, but goofy when I'm drunk.

9. I can't stand to have dirty hands. I wash my hands compulsively.

10. I am afraid of heights and tight spaces. Spiders creep me out and so do snakes, but I'll usually leave them alone as long as they aren't in my house.

AND 11. I'm allergic to cigarette smoke to the point where it gives me nose bleeds.

Movie Time: Avatar

I watched Avatar this weekend. I'd heard mixed reviews about. Some said that yes, the special effects were awesome, but the storyline was only so-so. Others just said the whole movie was awesome.

I'm in the latter category.

First off, the special effects and world building was breathtaking. Breathtaking! Even on my rinkydink television I was awed. But if that had been all there was to the movie, I would have been disappointed. Luckily, it wasn't.

The story played back to the Pocahontas tale. Handsome hero goes to new world to tame it, meets beautiful native and learns about her world. There's, of course, the battle for the hero between what he is used to and this new world's enticements--and which he wants/needs more. And it, surprisingly, wasn't as predictable as you would suspect. There were moments when I wasn't sure what would happen, even though I was pretty sure the movie would have a "happy" ending.

There were moments that were touching and moving. I actually cried MORE THAN ONCE during this movie. And I laughed as well. The dialogue was excellent and Sigourny Weaver was amazing as Grace. (You know it's a good movie when even the supporting actors are awesome.)

And, maybe it's the hippie in me, but I loved how the Na'vi were so attuned and even physically connected to the life around them. That was probably one of my favorite (if one of the strangest) parts of the movie.

This is a movie that I want to watch again and again. It dazzled me. Really. If you disagree, well, you can just bite me. (Yes, that's how much I loved this movie. Even my fiance said it was the best movie he'd seen in a long time... and he's picky.)

I'm hoping to watch it again sometime this week. :)