Tired of Being Superwoman

I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of the holidays. The commercialism, the politically-correctedness (is that a word?) of it, just makes me nauseous. I seriously want to go hermit and hide October through November.

Granted, there are things that I DO like about the holidays: Christmas carols, pumpkin pie, family gatherings, old movies, cold nights and hot chocolate, snuggling with your spouse. But anymore those things tend to take the back seat to the constant rush of the season. It's all about shopping lists and late-night baking frenzies and long trips to see people you're not even sure if you like.

Sigh.

Piling all this seasonal pressure on my already over-full schedule is just a disaster waiting to happen. I feel it today, especially. The day before Thanksgiving, and instead of ruminating on all the joys of Thanksgiving and all the things that I'm thankful for, I'm worried about cooking and schedules and resenting the fact that we have to go to my in-laws when all I really want to do is spend all day noshing at my parents' house (and I love my in-laws, I really do . . .but, well, they're not family-family). It's been all about compromise for me. And you know the thing about compromise: it never makes you happy.

So, I'm not all that happy. I'm stressed, is what I am. Fracturing, truthfully. About to blow my top. Every spare moment of my time has been dedicated to racking up the volunteer hours I need for the class I'm taking, and while I enjoy volunteering it's a far cry from the relaxing "me time" I need to keep my sanity.

Honestly, if it weren't for running, I would probably have gone crazy a week or so ago. But running keeps me sane. If it didn't take so much of my energy, I would probably be happy as a clown right now. But, well, running can be HARD (especially when you push yourself to go faster, further and harder each time, like me) and it makes me tired. And everyone knows (or soon will) that a tired Brandi equals a I-want-to-rip-your-eyes-out Brandi. Never good.

In order to keep this from happening (and destroy the "oh, she's such a sweet person" impression that my in-laws have of me) I'm going to take tonight off. Just me, the hubby (who'd better cooperate and be nice to me), the furry babies and some trashy movie that makes me laugh. Maybe some hot chocolate, too.

That will certainly give me a few things to be thankful for (like having the state-of-mind not to attack people for no reason).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Revamping

So, it's been a while.

I keep popping on here to write thoughtful and interesting tidbits on writing and reading, and then I stop. Either discouraged or bored by my own ramblings, and fade quietly back into the blogosphere. I still read blogs. Quite a bit, actually, but I rarely, if ever, comment on them. It probably makes my online friends feel like I don't care (or that I've died), but I do (and I'm still alive). I just felt like I was stagnating, regurgitating the same old things (cursings and musings) over and over. I felt unoriginal. I didn't feel like a very inspiring or even interesting person, let alone a writer.

Therefore, I stopped doing the whole blogging thing because, well, I couldn't handle the pressure of constantly coming up with a new, sparkling idea. Instead, I threw myself into a personal blog (which is private) and basically blogged about anything and everything that popped into my head. But since it wasn't writing related, I thought that it wouldn't be a good fit for this blog.

And then I had an epiphany. Why does this blog have to be just about writing and reading? Why can't it be about ME? I mean, I'm not anyone special or particularly exciting, but I'm sure a few of you might find my quirks interesting. And, believe it or not, I can be humorous and witty and even knowledgeable on some occasions.

So here I am. Back. To revamp Cursings and Musings and retake it for my own. This blog is going to reflect me from now on, and I'm an ever-changing, organic person. Are you ready for it?

Really Bad Poetry

I've recently posted some of my poetry on Deviantart.com. (Yes, there goes my dream of actually getting paid to write drivel.) I claim to be a poet, but I never said that I was a good one.

Enjoy.

For the Hell of It

Lately, I've found myself writing for just the hell of it. Or, to put it more nicely: Just writing to write, to have fun, create, explore, etc.

It's been a long time since I've done that.

It's been a long time since I've written something that was just for my own pleasure. A long time since I've wrote something without worrying how my critique partners would react to such-and-such.

It's nice.

It's freeing.

It makes me wonder why I ever stopped.

Oh, I've been writing. I've been revising, too. But a lot of the time I've felt stifled or constrained. I've always had to abide by rules and suggestions and the worry if the story I was writing was publishable or not.

It's wonderful to not care sometimes.

And maybe MY story is complete crap. Maybe it is unpublishable junk rife with cliches and filler words and too many adjectives. BUT IT IS SO LOVELY. It makes my heart sing. It reminds me that THIS--the process of just putting raw words on paper--is why I write. THIS is what I've been struggling these past months to regain. To write just to write. To write just because. To write, write, write and no longer CARE that so-and-so editor/agent/critique partner might not like it.

You should try it sometime.

Because . . .

Sometimes we need that reminder that we're not alone in this. That we need to keep trying.

A truly inspiring tale about rejection.

Monday Madness: One More Time!

You know how to tell when a writer is lying?

When they say, "Oh, yes, I'm on my final revision."

Or maybe it's just me.

I SWEAR that it's not just the perfectionist in me changing my mind halfway through said revision. Sometimes, it's not until you fix the little things, that you see that something bigger might need a polish. Or a rewrite. Love the rewrite. Embrace it. Buy it flowers.

I seriously did think that DRAGON QUEEN was almost ready; that I had finally reached the "final revision stage". And then in the process of changing one thing, I toppled the dominoes and got myself into a huge MESS of rewrites.

I'm at the dizzy, passionate phase of revising right now (as in, it's actually been gratifying and fun and exciting to see how much stronger my story is getting), but I know soon that I will tire out and be whimpering for mercy. But for now, it's great. Flowers everywhere!

For those of you who are rolling your eyes and muttering, "She's never going to be done with this story!" let me assure you that I'm doing the revisions correctly this time. I am not making significant plot or character changes, I am just amplifying what was already there, but was perhaps glossed over in an attempt to get the story out the first time (or second time, or third time) through. Relationships and characters are being fleshed out. Foreshadowing is being utilized. It's, really, just awesome how much these "little" things are making such a big difference.

And MAYBE after this, I will honestly be able to say that I'm on my final revision. And that makes me all tingly inside.

Monday Madness: Ode to Movies

I tend to like my movies like I like my novels: full of fluff and good feeling. I gobble up romantic comedies and Disney movies like dark chocolate and have gotten to the point where I don't even try to hide it anymore. But thanks to Netflix and Red Box (and weather that has you spontaneously bursting into flames when you dare to venture outside) I've been catching up on some "less fluffy" movies. Much to my amazement, I'm actually enjoying them.

Here is a list of movies that I've watched that I didn't think I would like, but actually did:

Winter's Bone — This movie made me so uncomfortable. First, it was made in my backyard (not literally), and the familiar setting, along with the rough and scary characters (who could be related to me) really set me on edge. This movie haunted me. Freaked me out. And while I resented being reminded of the people that I come from (yes, I have relatives a lot like the people in this movie), it was definitely worth watching.

Million Dollar Baby — I kept putting off watching this one because someone had told me the gist of it once, and that it wasn't a happy movie. They were right; it's not a happy movie. But it's not really a sad or depressing movie either. There's a lot of hope in this film. And I know that I'm not a movie critic by any means, but I thought this was an excellent movie because of just how emotive it was. Again, some of Maggie's family reminded me of people I know, and so it might have hit closer to home for me than someone else, but if you do not feel some little ping in your heart at the end of this movie,  then you are dead inside. Seriously.

Love & Other Drugs — I didn't want to watch this movie because I thought it was about DOING drugs. And not the prescription kind. My husband finally convinced me to watch it, and it rocked my world (and not just because of the many, many, many sex scenes). It was such a gritty take on love—no romantic comedy here. I cried and laughed many times during this movie, and it led to a serious discussion about what love is between me and my husband. (Good news: We think we have it figured out. Our version, anyway.)

The Prestige — A whole different can of worms here, but I found myself engrossed in this movie. This movie is a prime example of love-to-hate characters. Throughout the movie, I did not like either one of the main characters. Neither Angier or Borden were "good". What they were, instead, were very mortal. Prone to mistakes and jealousy and stupidity and vanity. And the end . . .man, the end. So twisted. I loved it.

Next on the list: The Black Swan and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

But first, Suckerpunch. :)

Liking these movies was a good reminder to me that there are great things outside our comfort zone, if we just give them a chance. Now that I've branched out my movies, I think the next step is my literature (and not just because I'm being forced to, like in school.)

What about you? See any movies you thought you wouldn't like, but ended up loving? What about books?