Conversations with Myself

I have been busy. Extremely so. Between helping out on my parents' farm (a neverending adventure) and going to class and doing homework and studying for the Praxis II, I haven't had much time for writing. Really, I haven't had much desire to write lately, period.

So the urge to write took me by surprise today. In fact, it happened right in the middle of reading the summary of Oedipus Rex. No idea why. I don't really like the play. But it really made me want to write.

And my class makes me want to write, too. I never realized how much of a grammar nerd I was until this class, but now I find re-learning the rules of grammar actually exciting. Now, instead of saying, "Well, that sentence looks funky, but I'm not sure why" I can actually point out why. (Yes, I am officially a dork.)

Also, being outside, counting cows, learning how to feed hay (and how to drive a huge diesel truck and operate a hay spear), cleaning, rearranging and all that it entails has really inspired me. I've actually caught myself daydreaming while out mucking stalls and chopping wood. A very good thing, because my daydreaming ability has been severely limited as of late. In fact, I believe that it is stifled by sitting in front of a computer screen all day. My best ideas don't come when I'm actually sitting down to write, but when I'm in the middle of doing something physical. Strange, huh?

Speaking of dreams, I also realized that I haven't really had a dream in a while. Granted, I want to be a teacher, so that is sort of a dream, but I tend to think of it more as a goal. A possibility. Something I will come to achieve sooner or later. It's within my reach as long as I keep reaching. But, in that sense, it's a bit depressing. When did I go from a girl with HUGE, practically impossible dreams to one with attainable goals? How boring is that?

What made me think this? My friend. She's continually dreaming up these grand ideas about what she wants to do with her life. She wants to operate a sign business (and is actually doing so now), but she also wants to open an indoor playground/daycare/gym/spa. (Yes, all combined into one.) If you took a picture of her idea, I'm sure it would glitter and have flashing lights and all that, because it is so BIG. It made me sad to think that I didn't have a BIG dream anymore.

What about becoming a novelist? Yes, what about that. I would call it a dream deferred. I haven't written anything in so long . . .I haven't even READ about publishing or querying or anything of that nature in so long, I feel disconnected from it all. Honestly, it feels as if I've given up on it.

I don't know why I feel like that. Maybe I'm suffering from an it's-time-to-grow-up-Wendy moment. Because, honestly, I would love to pursue that dream of being a published (and successful) novelist, but that dream has taken a backseat to the dream of having a job that is not only rewarding, but will give me the first opportunity in my LIFE to stop living paycheck to paycheck. Once I have that, I think I will  be able to focus more on writing. Actually, once I don't have a very important test to study for, I might start writing again. In the meantime, it's back to pursuing those little dreams (a.k.a. goals).